Our longest running contributor, Self Help Africa Business Representative Ronan Scully shares his wisdom on life, religion and wellness.
During the month of July we get to celebrate International Friendship day and it has me reflecting on the nature and the sacrament of friendship and what constitutes a healthy friendship. Friends come in all shapes and sizes. They may be someone we met as a child, a classmate at school, someone we met at work or through other friends.
They may be friends who live at a distance in another country or virtual friends we’ve made online. Whoever they are, however we met them, there is a special connection based on a shared history and interests, enjoying doing things together or simply talking and understanding each other. Friends are there to help us at difficult times and to celebrate the good times. Doctors say that friends are very important for both our physical and mental health at all stages in life.
The importance of friends in our lives is immense. Friends play a significant role in everyone’s life. Whenever we say the word “friend”, it makes us nostalgic about the person who stood by our side in our times of need. With whom we share our sorrows, happiness, in the company of whom our joy doubles and the one who halves our misery.
It also reminds us of the popular motto on a friend: – “A friend in need is a friend indeed” and also “A friend is someone who walks in when the whole world walks away” which means, a true friend is always there for you, whenever you are in need.
Friendship has been by far one of the greatest blessings in my life. But good friends do more than encourage us. They challenge us. A good friend can be honest with us if they see us heading in the wrong direction. Sometimes they challenge us with words.
But most often friends challenge us simply by the witness of their own good example. When I see my friends dealing with the stresses and problems of everyday life, I am inspired to face my own challenges with greater courage and equanimity. People of all age groups need friends, no matter if they are rich or poor. Everyone seeks the company of a person with whom they can share their heart and their life.
A Holy Thing
For me friendship is a holy thing, but it is not an easy thing. Love and friendship take us out of ourselves and that is certainly a good thing. Friendship, the kind that develops us, enables us to carry our own burdens by helping us to understand them. It gives us the confidence to strike out on our own, as well as to share our thoughts, our concerns, with the other. Friendship enables us to become ourselves, not a duplicate of someone else. To love the other without letting go of the self, to honor the fullness of the self without losing sight of the other, that is the sacrament of friendship.
In the end, friendship must be both light and liberty. Only when we are truly ourselves can we really be any good to anybody else. Another reason that I think friendship is a holy thing is that it allows us to appreciate qualities in others that we do not ourselves possess. God has made each person unique and unrepeatable and friendship gives us a chance to recognize the gifts of others. It can liberate us from some of the narrowness of our own point-of-view.
While we possess certain qualities in common with our friends, I think that much of the pleasure we receive from friendship arises from the uniqueness we discover in others. I often say that they are blessed with the gift of making friends, for it is one of God’s best gifts. It involves many things, but above all, the power of getting out of one’s self, and appreciating whatever is noble and loving in another. Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can’t stop.
Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is Forever Friendship. When you’re down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on.
Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end.
Here is my forever friendship prayer for you. “I pray that each of you who read this article will have or find a special forever friend; Someone who changes your life just by being part of it. Someone who can make you laugh until you can’t stop; Someone who can make you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone that when you’re down, and the world seems dark and empty, will lift you up in spirit and make that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Someone who will help get you through the hard times, the sad times, and the confused times.
“I pray that you will find a Forever Friend. A forever friend that will hold your hand and tell you that everything is going to be okay. I hope that all of you who already have found such a friend in their life, feel happy and complete, because you need not worry. You have found a forever friend for life, and forever has no end. Cherish them always! Amen.”
Sacramental Friendship
Friends also make it easier to believe that we are loved by God. Good friends know us very well. They know our strengths and our weaknesses—and yet they still love us. Somehow they can overlook our failings and focus on our gifts. Their friendship proclaims, “I like being with you!” What greater compliment can we receive? I like to think that God loves me chiefly through my friends. Their attention, hugs, encouragement, and laughter are all ways God is saying, “I get a kick out of you!”
In my mind, there is also something sacramental about friendships. There are times with a close friend where it feels as if you’ve entered into a tremendous mystery. There is a person who has watched you fail, listened to your confessions, and supported you when no one else would. Despite all of this, they are still part of your life. They think well of you and enjoy time with you.
Still. There is a beautiful icon of the Trinity painted by the artist Andre Rublev. I have a small replica of this icon to the right of me with my prayer candle lighting beside it now as I write this thought for the week. The persons of God; Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, sit around a small table.
Each person has color and shade that gives them personality. While the icon itself is quite beautiful, what is more beautiful is the presence of a gap. The side of the table closest to the viewer is left open, vacant; there is space at the table with God and to share in real friendship with Him. A friendship can operate much in the same way. With a true friend, someone with whom we share a bond of life, we make space for them to encounter more.
They encounter more of our deepness, our broadness, our darkness, our light, our wholeness in Christ. In that encounter they are confronted with their own depths as well. A holy way of friendship honors the fact that we are simultaneously sinner and saint.
And yet there is a space made for us in the world. Like any good sacrament, we are brought to the crossroads of God, self, and others in a friendship. We are able to find the gritty way of loving God with everything and our neighbor as ourselves (Matt. 22:38-40). In fact, a friendship is a beautiful context for learning how to keep the many and varied commands of Jesus about generosity, forgiveness, courage, mercy, faith, hope and compassion.
Thought for the Week
As your thought for the week, give some thought to your friendships and your friendship with God. Who is in your life now that presents an opportunity for a deep, significant relationship beyond your spouse or partner? How are you pursuing a sort of sacramental vulnerability with that person?
It is important to note that vulnerability takes time: time to build trust, establish a story, and it can’t be forced. For you who read this and find yourself without someone you’d call a close friend: I understand.
May your prayer and our prayer be for God to help alleviate our loneliness with His presence. As we draw to the Eucharistic table each day of real friendship with Him, may the journey lead us to find friends along the way.
Look around you and truly cherish those special people and friends that are part of your life and always remember that friendship can be a true place of refuge and is one of life’s most wonderful blessings. Let me finish this thought with a prayer I say for my friends, “I will pray for you, my friend. I will name you in my heart before God and ask all His blessing be upon you. I will be concerned for your rising and your daily mood. I will be sympathetic to your personal needs and desires in each day of your life. I will wish you well in your learning, or your work, in your domestic round and your leisure.
“I will think of you at the close of each day and pray that God’s peace be with you. If you have been especially kind or helpful to me then I will make my gratitude known to you. If you are in trouble or difficulty of any kind, or simply tired and worn down, I will do all and anything I can to lift your spirits. I will ache for you in your sorrows and disasters and rejoice with you in your joys and triumphs. I will love and care for you as I love and care for myself. Amen.”
Please remember that Friendship is one of the most beautiful, most powerful, and most valuable treasures in life and a true gift from God. Jesus said: “Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.”
John 15: 12-15. Imagine that! Jesus has brought us in on the conversation He has with His Father. And just as talking with your friend is as important as it is pleasant, so having a conversation with Jesus and His Father is crucial in maintaining our friendship with God. And this is simply called “prayer.”
Furthermore, we know that when we love God, we love everyone He loves. And there is actually no one outside of His love. In fact, charity, which is this friendship with God, this love of God for His own sake, is the only way we can love all our neighbors, even our enemies!
It helps us to understand something of what friendship with God is like. It also helps us prepare for that experience we will have with Him and all those He loves in heaven. And it’s beginning here on earth. Right now.
